There are memories that people choose to remember, happy times with family and friends, new adventures that help you discover who you really are deep inside. But the mind is an amazing thing, it can trick you into being brave and something I find useful block or forget bad memories. That is what this blog is about, memories that I had chosen to forget either I chose to forget these or my life is finally full of happiness that my mind has filed these past experiences in a box way in the back of my mind. Either way here comes a dark stack of memories that have come to light even just for a moment so people know they are not alone.
Relationships are hard work is a lie that people tell each other because they don’t want to face the fact that it is the end of their love life temporarily. I always thought that it was hard work that got you ahead in life I foolishly applied this to all my romantic relationships, this was horribly wrong. Love is easy, trust is hard that is what makes life hard.
I start all relationships completely trusting people, I will always trust people when I meet them but it is up to them to not break that trust because once it’s broken it’s almost impossible for me to trust them again. My husband found me after someone had broken me mentally and slightly physically. This was a dark phase in my life and I see why my mind keeps it in the back of my mind behind all my happy memories, this is a toxin and it must not be mixed in with my current happy life. Why destroy happiness with a dark toxin that will take me down a dark path that in turn will destroy all I have now.
Without getting into much detail about things I can say that I thought little of myself only due to my significant other saying things that would make me question things that I used to do that made me happy. They would say things to control me and I didn’t even know it, the worst part is everyone around me noticed and would confront me about it, but all I did was make excuses. That is not love. They would call me at work to make sure I was in fact at work, many times they would drive by multiple times and even come in and sit at my job as if they were protecting their property, I was property to them not a human being with feelings and emotions but an object that was theirs. This is not love.
Looking back I noticed that their family questioned why I was with their child, and yet again I made excuses. I would always tell their family that you can’t pick and choose parts of someone that you love you love them completely or not at all, what a fool I was. Everyone was trying to get me to open my eyes about this person and I ignored all the signs, I blinded myself because I thought it was love. It was not love, it was toxic. Their own family knew what was going on and tried over and over to open my eyes and I refused their help by always making excuses.
The biggest problem was between work and college I was paying their way in life, I was their money line and took care of them. That is not love, this was control and I was not in control. I also turned to alcohol to numb myself sometimes when even I didn’t believe my own excuses about our relationship. But one day after hanging around my family, all my family and my significant other didn’t come to yet again another family thing that I cared about I didn’t make any excuses to anyone, not even me. That was the last straw, I was done.
No more apologies from them for accidentally hitting my arm to hard, or grabbing my wrist to tight. No more excuses for their bad attitude everyday because their life is so hard doing nothing. No more making me feel bad for hanging out with my friends because I haven’t seen my friends in months. No more putting myself last when I was never even consider top ten in their life. No more checking in at work to see if I was actually there. No more of letting someone control my life. It is my life and I can choose who I want in my life and what I want to do.
So when I can home that night to my apartment that I paid all the bills for mine and theirs I said I am done. They seemed confused and I said congrats you are no single and I am going home to my parents. The moment those words left my mouth my body felt to much lighter. I felt a warmth spread over my body like a blanket fresh from the dryer wrapped around me. I packed some things and left, my parents were surprised to see me so soon again, and I told them what I did they asked if I wanted to talk about it and I said I just want to move on and put all this behind me. They never asked me again if I wanted to talk about it, I never did again till a few days ago with my cousin. She told me she sort of knew something wasn’t right in that relationship, I wasn’t really shocked that she knew. I was more shocked of how blind I made myself to ignoring everyone’s help.
After something so dark and toxic you may wonder how was I able to find actual true love. Well my husband never gave up, even when I said that I wasn’t looking for love and that I was dating a few people. Yes actual dating nothing sexual, well some sexual after all I was free and put myself first and I am human. I had to be single and put myself first for a while to discover who I was without someone controlling me. It was amazing to discover things in life again, it was more amazing to see how much I loved myself. I had to learn that all over again before I could actually love another person again. This takes time and I had to do this alone and sometimes with friends because surrounding myself with love and happiness is the best way to heal. And to my dismay my husband never gave up, he friended me on myspace when it was the main site to be on, then later he would visit me at work and bring me flowers just because they made him think of me, and finally he would text me just to say hi and that he missed me. Granted I have never been wooed like this before ever I just knew deep down that I should give my husband a chance and I’m glad I did. He waited so patiently for me to be ready to open my broken and beaten heart for love once again. That is love.
My husband still to this day woos me, granted the gifts are smaller and not expensive but the fact he thinks of me often is amazing and I think of him often. We have three children all close in age, two girls and a boy they are a reminder that happiness is easy. Love is easy when you are with the right person, life becomes easier, everything is easier when it is the right person who you share your life with. If you’re wondering if we fight we do, but it is nothing ever serious. More like who ate the last cookie or who keeps stealing all the covers, my personal favorite is those silly scrunched faces we make at each other because we are silly and know not to take life to seriously. That is love, being ourselves completely and not worrying if they will still love us for showing our truest self. Happiness and love, that is easy. That is life.